Dear Diary...My Mighty Change of Heart

This entry has been planned for quite some time. I feel the need to share some things that are tender to my heart. I'm hoping that in so doing, the things I say might help another young mother in need. I believe that as Mothers we tend to get so caught up in doing, doing, doing for our children and husbands that quite often we forget to do do do for ourselves. This has definitely been the case for me. Water cannot be drawn from an empty well, so if we don't set aside a little bit of time for things that will replenish and strengthen us, we will have little if anything left to give another.
My story goes something like this. Life was going good, the husband was healthy and happy, the kids were healthy and happy. We were doing those things to barely get by so to speak. We were praying before meals, praying before bedtime, reading our scriptures as a family before bed. (when we remembered) But we were not one with the Lord in our "whole being" so to speak. When challenges would come my way I would try and run, not towards the Lord as I knew I should, but away from him and from everyone else too. This caused great strain on my marriage. In August I found myself wondering "why" for a lot of reasons. It was late one night that I decided I didn't want to be married anymore. The kids were spending the night at cousins homes and so Eric and I had a visit with our Bishop. My parents happened to be out of the country so the plan was to go through a separation and just be "watching" my parents house so to speak. There was much on my mind, many things that I thought were unfair, or not right. I found myself drawing closer to the Lord. On my knees more than I had ever remembered being on them before. It was about 2 weeks of meeting with my Bishop and pleading with God to help me know what was best for me and for my family. I prayed fervently and struggled with the temptings of the adversary. I remember the day clearly when I decided that I would go ahead and end my marriage. It was a Sunday morning, I called my Bishop and told him I wanted to talk to him. He didn't know what my decision was at all at this point. When I went in for my appointment he asked if he could open with a prayer and I willingly accepted his invitation. As he was saying the prayer I was overcome with a sweet spirit. I knew that my initial decision was not right. I knew that I needed to do whatever it took to repent and to forgive. I was in tears as he ended the prayer and I relayed this story to the Bishop. He wept with me and we both just basked in the knowledge that our Heavenly Father truly does know each of us. He knows our individual needs, our sorrows, and our desires. It was that Sunday morning that I truly developed a testimony of this knowledge. What a comfort that has been to me for this past year. I don't think that I would've gotten through all the trials that are mine without this knowledge. I have always thought I have known God but I don't think I really did. Shortly after we reunited as a family in late August, I found myself in the wrong place at the wrong time. It all happened during a massage with someone that was not a licenced massage therapist. I was the victim of a sexual abuse case that landed my perpetrator in prison for a whole 7 days with a slap on the hand. I on the other hand found myself imprisoned by his cowardly acts. Nightmares and anxiety attacks were at the top of my emotional instability. All the while I tried everything in my power to not think about it, to try and go on with my life. It was not meant to be. No matter how hard I tried I would feel myself slipping back into the hole. I went to some counseling sessions and learned some self- help skills and decided that I wanted to be a "Licenced Massage Therapist". I thought that if I did it right it would give me some sort of surreal power to help me overcome this nightmare. So my good hubby helped me enroll in a massage school and I began learning all about the body, anatomically and emotionally. I had been enrolled in the school for about 2 months when our oldest daughter told me she had something she needed to show me. What she showed me was so horrific I didn't know what to do. She had been enrolled in a theater type class and was given some very disgressional material in a monologue form to read and memorize. I considered this material to be pornographic in word form. It was devastating to us to realize that our children are not safe in any program or anything for that matter. Luckily because of a good Bishop and Counselor our sweet little girl is fine. We pray that she will continue to go on and live a healthy normal life in all aspects. With this great stress added to my already stressed emotional life I began to slip. I wasn't interested in friendships anymore, I had a hard time getting out of bed, I couldn't pray, read my scriptures. All the things that would help me I couldn't bring myself to do. I was in school one evening and we were doing "hand- on" body work sessions. I began to have a major anxiety attack and knew right then that I would not be able to continue this journey through massage school. It was a blow to my self esteem but for my emotional and physical health it had to be done. I began to withdraw more and more until it got to the point that I had NO healthy relationships at all. When anyone would say anything to me I would immediately feel attacked in a personal way. When my children would disobey I would feel that I wasn't a good mother, when my children would struggle in school I felt like I should be doing more. When people would disagree with my opinion I felt slammed. It was all such a blow to my demeanor. My immediate family is all very close. We liked to do get togethers frequently. In so doing we became a bit too comfortable with one another if you will. It's hard when so many different personalities and ways of growing up mix and mingle and problems started to rise. There became many rifts and although apologies were made rifts still remained. With everything surmounting and more and more people comfortably telling me their ways were the "only" ways so to speak. Or maybe better words would be what people call constructive criticism. I lost total control of my life. It was literally like I was spiralling out of control. I felt as if my steam engine was over filled and if none could escape my top would blow. And it did. I found myself in early February being driven away from my husband and children in an ambulence and taken to the hospital. My world was literally shattered and the scary part was that I didn't care. I spent the day in the hospital and then began extensive therapy sessions. For the first week I saw a therapist every day. It was so difficult for me to relax enough to share from my heart with a perfect stranger. But I knew that it was my only choice so I had a small change of heart. I began to do those things that I was counseled to do. I slowly began to pray again, to read from my scriptures, to participate in my family. It was a slow process as I was still so fragile. Still I had not learned to "stop think" so I was set back easily if I heard anything that I did not see as positive. I did progress,"slow and steady" was my motto. I learned a song that has become like my second set of scriptures. I use this song anytime my mind wanders to things that might make me fall. Things like: unkind words, harsh statements, criticism, anything that would not be positive I would immediately stop and begin my song until my mind was forced to only think about the words to my song. It is so natural to just think negative and so I have had a long journey teaching my mind to only be concerned with those things that are IN my control. Which are my actions, and my words. I am most grateful this day for wise counselors and friends that were by my side to teach me these principles. In all of this ordeal I have learned many many things. But the thing that stands out most in my mind is this...... There is no one that will ALWAYS be there for you except one, God. He stands ready and willing to help all of us in our own time of need. All we have to do is ask. I tried turning to others, to my husband, to siblings, to friends, to aunts, and cousins. They all have good advice, they can pray, but none other can take these burdens from us and let us be whole except our Savior Jesus Christ. This is my testimony that he lives, that he does not wait for these Huge catasrophies to come upon us for his divine atonement to work. I learned that his atonement works for all things, even those small things. I know that I must embrace him, and trust in him. I know my Heavenly Father lives, I know that he loves me, that I am a daughter of God. I am most grateful for this knowledge. Through this knowledge I was made whole, and as long as I trust in him and continually seek to know him I will be with him again. Love to you all!
Leah